Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What India Deserves

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Early this morning there was an emergency meeting held at the ICC Headquarters to discuss the damage done by India's ineptitude to the ICC Ranking Model. It is learnt that Australia, England and South Africa have questioned whether India "deserve" to be #1 in light of the capitulation at Centurion.

 A few blogs have joined in the chorus as well. Livin' on the Outside Edge and Cricket With Balls

The ICC is concerned that India's shameful performance undermines the validity of their ranking model which is used to assign points to team performances and determine the top seed.

New Zealand fresh from the humiliation suffered at the hands of India, decided to attend the meeting but just in the capacity of a permanent member of the ICC. There was a mutual understanding between the BCCI and New Zealand Cricket that, New Zealand will not question India's ranking in return for guarantees from the BCCI that the BCCI will not push for transferring New Zealand's permanent Test member status to Afghanistan or Ireland.

There was no physical representation from Pakistan because Ijaz Butt was traveling and as it tends to happen with all emergency meetings, it was organized at the last minute and Ijaz could not be contacted. He however joined the meeting via video conference. Many in the PCB believed that Ijaz should have struck a deal with the BCCI to extract BCCI support to hold a few World Cup games in Pakistan in exchange for PCB's support of India being the undisputed #1. Instead Ijaz Butt is learnt to have said that this "emergency" meeting is one more example of the ICC's relentless pursuit to defraud Pakistan cricket by deliberately ensuring that there was no time to strike deals with the BCCI.

Sri Lanka Cricket, decided to abstain from any active debates against India, largely because they did not want to disrupt the ongoing discussions between BCCI and SLC on the long overdue and much awaited home and away Test series between the two countries and 45 ODI Tri Series tournaments. A few of which will be hosted in Guangzhou, China.

Zimbabwe was not entirely sure what the fuss was all about but decided to join South Africa in voicing their concerns.

West Indies who know a thing or two about being the undisputed #1 team over a significant period of time was also keen to maintain the sanity of the ICC Ranking System. Dr. Julian Hunte, smartly dressed, looked calm and collected offered to mediate if things got out of hand at the meeting

Bangladesh did not attend. They are still celebrating the 4-0 blanking of New Zealand at home in the recently concluded ODI series.

To defend India's case the BCCI quickly assembled a team of Shashak Manohar, Sunil Gavaskar, Sachin Tendulkar, Dr. Narottam Puri and Gary Kirsten.

Sharad Pawar: Folks, this is not good. You can't be #1 if you are going to get all out for 136 on day 1 of a test match
Dr. Narottam Puri: Do you know this is the first time since 1936 that India have managed less than 150 on the first day of a test series abroad.
Gavaskar: Who is objecting to us being #1?

At that point representatives from Zimbabwe, Australia, England, South Africa and West Indies all raise their hands

Gavaskar: But that's just racist.

Representatives from Zimbabwe and West Indies look at Sunil quite perplexed but Sunny does not relent

Gavaskar: When Australia was #1 and kept losing to India in India no one questioned their ranking. Why? Because they are white? Can't a non-white team be #1.
Dr. Narottam Puri: 1996, 1998 and 2001, Australia were #1 without winning a series in India
Hunte: Mr. Gavaskar, we were the undisputed #1 team and we were not white.
Gavaskar: You couldn't have been #1, I scored 13 centuries against you. So shut up.

Sharad Pawar: But Sunil, that's not the point. India is just not good enough. Not dominant enough to be #1. Its hurting our brand. You just can't be #1
Gavaskar: What Brand?
Sharad Pawar: The IPL....sorry...ICC brand
Sachin: But one is just a number isn't it? What number do we deserve? 50? Its a good number, isn't it Mr Gavaskar?

Gary: The professor here has a point. What number, Sharad, do you think India deserves to be ranked at?
Sharad Pawar: Don't call me Sharad, Call me Mr. Pawar. You need to show me some respect. I think I have earned it
Gary: Sorry Sir. Apologies Mr. Pawar.

Sunil Gavaskar is visibly impressed by Shard Pawar at this point.

Gary: Dr. Julian Hunte?
Hunte: You can call me Julian, Mr. Kirsten

At this point Gavaskar looks at Hunte and shakes his head in disapproval

Gary: So how do you resolve this Julian? Do you think we need to re-look at the scoring model?
Sharad Pawar: Well guys, that's not an option. The guy who developed the model...well we fired him....hmm....not exactly, he actually left because we forgot to pay him fees for his service. So that option is off the table. No one knows how the model works. Changing it is out of question.
Butt: (via video conference) What ?? people do stuff without being paid? How? Why?
Hunte: Well...as mediator here's what I propose. Let me break out with these board members over here (pointing in the direction of Australia, Zimbabwe, South Africa and England) and assign an appropriate number to India

Hunte and others return after a few minutes...

Hunte: Well guys, we have determined that India should be #3
Sachin: I am fine with that. 3 is also just a number. Isn't it Mr. Gavaskar?
Gary: Hold on...why 3?
Hunte: Well South Africa has shown that they are clearly better than India.
Dr. Narottam Puri: South Africa have drawn both their most recent test series in India and beaten India in every test series at home.
Gavaskar: Narottam, whose side are you on?
Dr. Narottam Puri: These are all questions I had compiled, for when I get back on Doordarshan....
Gavaskar: F... your quiz program
Hunte (continuing above the argument): Also since England are most likely to beat Australia in Australia, they too seem better than India
Dr. Narottam Puri: See Mr. Gavaskar, had you trusted the weather reports in Melbourne 1985 and pushed for a win, this argument would have been null and void...
Gavaskar: That's it I am done.....

Gavaskar walks off. Sachin follows....Shashank Manohar, isn't sure what to do but he picks a spot on the ceiling and decides to keep staring at it.

Hunte: That's fine folks..we can get things done without them. Getting back to the point, since we feel that there are at least 2 teams better than India, we should rank India #3. Not having the option of adjusting points makes this tough. We believe one of South Africa or England should be #1. But because, using the current model, we would look stupid ranking them ahead of India in spite of having lesser points, we will just start counting at #3

Sharad Pawar: This means that the 2013 Test Championship will have only 2 teams, since no one is seeded 1 and 2. Manohar, please see if we can get a season of IPL arranged during that period.

1 comment:

Ganesh said...

Was surprised to see a satire posted in this blog full of serious posts!
Oh,this is from the Guest,anyway a refreshing post. :D