Monday, January 10, 2011

No One Killed the Australian Supremacy

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Cricket Australia has taken note of how comical Australian Cricket are made to look by the media. To beat Pakistan as the laughing stock of the cricketing world has not gone well with the board.

The selectors say that they did a good job.

The CEO says the only thing he is accountable for is "hard work"

The coach points to improvements in Watson, Hussey and Siddle.

"The Pup" is still confident of his side.

The regular captain still wants to play.

Cricket Australia executives have noted that not only is Australia new to losing so badly; they are also not good at coming up with coherent excuses. Being in denial is fine, they say, as long as the excuses generate public support and not anger and ridicule.

You don't want to sound unintentionally funny while giving excuses, they said.

Immediately after the Ashes defeat, Cricket Australia hired Cricket Opinions (this website) to thoroughly and independently analyze the Australian performance in the series and draw up a checklist of excuses that will go down better than the current excuses with the public.

After a week of sleepless nights, long hours and studying teams that have lost and avoided ridicule, we designed a "ready reckoner" of "Excuse lines".

We titled the report No one Killed the Australian Supremacy since this is very much in line with the official position of Cricket Australia. Here is what we shared with Cricket Australia

Excuse Line: Call the opponents "Cheats"
Mount a strategic attack on England, on the basis of ball tampering and match fixing allegations against the English. Employ usage of images taken out of context, doctored and made up movies to show how Anderson while "hiding the ball" Zak style was actually doctoring the ball with dirt hidden in his other hand. We provided case studies of the last dozen Pakistani tours to England on how this excuse strategy can be implemented.

Excuse Line: Invoke the "Spirit of the Game" line of attack
Claim that only one side was playing within the spirit of the game. We noted in our report, the need for subtlety while invoking this excuse line. We recommended against using Ricky Ponting as a messenger for this excuse line. We also noted that "only one side" refers to England.

Excuse Line: The umpires were incompetent
Everyone loves to hate umpires. There is no one to defend them and the winners are not really interested in quarreling when they would rather keep the champagne and beer flowing. So this strategy almost always works. We noted in our report how India's approval rating worldwide was at the peak when they mounted a campaign against West Indian Steve Bucknor after Sydney 2008. People forgot that they were down 0-2 in the series. Defeat margins of 2 can be easily pushed under the carpet using this excuse line.

Excuse Line: Blame Another sport
This excuse line has been the cornerstone of the West Indian strategy to get away with mediocrity. Even making Darren Sammy the captain. For years, West Indians have convinced us that it is Micheal Jordan and the NBA that is stealing their talent. The reason why this line works; we noted in our report; is that it gives the impression that the user of this excuse has analyzed the problem and it also establishes that the problem has been the making for years and that to fix it, will need more incentives for the losing team.

Excuse Line: Make your problem seem insignificant
Hint of other bigger and usually unsolvable problems, beyond your control and link your defeat to that. Think of problems like terrorism, global warming, the evil of BCCI, IPL, China's rise as a super power, oil spills and conjure up some stupid way of linking your problems to the bigger one. In our report we specifically mentioned that the bigger problem does not mean Australia's 1-3 loss to England

If you see this report on any website, please contact us. This is a highly confidential report and we would lose a portion of our $50 million professional fees for this if it is found circulating in electronic form. However we can assure you that this article can be twetted, retweeted and liked on facebook without breach of contract


tracerbullet007 said...

brilliant stuff!

Dean @ Cricket Betting Blog said...

Blame the Umpires, I like it,

I'm surprised they didn't kick up more of a stink about the referals, particularly the no ball ones called by the umps on the wickets.