Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sachin Tendulkar is a health hazard: Ministry of Health

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Our sources in the government have revealed...

The Health Ministry of India, in a meeting with Prime Minister Manmohan have shared with him a report that suggests that India's obsession with Sachin Tendulkar has reached such unhealthy levels that they will be forced to accord the addiction the status of a "disease". They said that the disease has already reached an epidemic and needs to be first controlled and treated like one.

Government insiders say that the report, that is yet to be released and likely to throw the country in turmoil when it is, has results of extensive studies done by the government in collaboration with the Amercian Institute of Sports Induced Diseases in Fans.

The study reveals that men and women who are obsessed about Sachin Tendulkar are 67% more likely to suffer from a variety of ailments including high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and even mental conditions like severe anxiety, depression and bi-polar disorder, as compared to those who are obsessive about say Rajnikanth or Salman Khan; in which case they are simply classified by the study as mentally challenged since birth.

The study which was conducted over 20 years also hints at the addiction being responsible for the rise in farmer suicides, unsupervised home births, incidents of domestic violence, prostitution, and huge losses in the stock markets. As a nation, the report says, Sachin worship is costing the country in the billions of dollars. We just can't afford Sachin Tendulkar.

In one particular account, from the report that is sure to invite the wrath of women's rights organizations, a woman was forced to deliver a baby in the living room without any doctors or mid wives because her husband ordered her to stay put so as not to jinx Sachin's progress from 50 to a 100 in a recent Test match against Australia. The woman said that for the first time she realized how long a tea break can be and by the end of it she wasn't sure whom she was pushing for, Sachin or her baby.

In another account a gentleman from North India said he has been celibate for 12 years. "I clearly remember the last time I made love to my Sachin-obsessed wife. It was the day Shoaib Akhtar clean bowled Sachin Tendulkar first ball. Now, I don't think my wife will agree to sex until Sachin Tendulkar retires. She considers it a jinx. I get a hard-on even thinking about Sachin's retirement" he is quoted to have said in the report. According to the man, whose name will remain undisclosed, early on he was managing the problem fine and he seemed to have a good handle on it but off late as talk of Sachin's retirement is more frequent it becomes impossible for him to behave normally in the company of colleagues with a hard to conceal mighty bulge in his trousers.

The report also makes some recommendations on how to treat the disease. While many of the recommendations are typical government regulation stuff like....

  1. Restrictions on media on how much Sachin can be broadcast, written about, blogged, etc
  2. A prominent health warning on all Sachin related broadcasts with visual images portraying domestic violence, women in child birth, etc
  3. A ban on asking other celebrities, especially legends-in-their-own-right past cricketers questions about Sachin
  4. Appointment of Sanjay Manjrekar and Michael Atherton as brand ambassadors to spread awareness of the disease. They have criticized Sachin Tendulkar in the past and Indians need to hear more from them. 
  5. A ban on reporting what the "foreign media" (read western) media has to say about Sachin. 

...the one that has Mr. Manmohan Singh worried was the recommendation that the Government of India legalize "medial porn". The Health Ministry believes that if the government enforces the above regulations, there is bound to be withdrawal symptoms. In some individuals the symptoms will be so acute that there is danger of violence and suicides. For those individuals an equivalent outlet has to be provided. Only porn can come close. Psychiatrists should be allowed to prescribe porn for medical reasons.

Chanakya on Cricket - Other Posts

  1. India v Pakistan - Plans for a "revival" series
  2. Dealing with India's imminent world cup exit
  3. The bowler's Bill of Rights


vs said...

non sense

Anand Kumar said...

Just two months before, Sunil Gavaskar said that Sachin turned up for practice session for the Tests before the team and retired after them. When after playing about 441 matches Sachin didn't get tired what rights have the Indian people have to make him retire?? His Passion and ability are unmatched. It's like asking AR Rahman to quit music and Steven Spielberg his direction!!